Something About September

Watching the 24 hour news coverage of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita is rather like a flashback for me. Once again I am perched in front of the television watching events unfold that are affecting the present and future of our entire people. Once again thousands of people could be dead, and thousands more are suffering. Once again I feel as if I am in the grip of something tremendously powerful that I am helpless to influence or change. Once again I feel like like things are rapidly changing, that I am watching events that are truly milestones in our history and that will have ramifications as yet undreamed of. Once again I feel like curling up in bed and watching hours and hours of old sitcoms as comfort food for the soul, as their totemic power will hopefully fend off the freight train- like advance of this new terrible world.

And once again, it is September.

I can still recall with crystal clarity where I was and what I was doing when I heard about the attacks on September 11. It was a Tuesday, of course, and I was scheduled to take our new kitten, Punky (discovered in our shed just four weeks previously) to the vet for a thorough checkup.

I never made it.

I came downstairs at around eleven thirty CST. I worked second shift then, and rarely arose early. My mom was watching the news, as she usually did, and my brother was down there too, which was sort of unusual. They both were very quiet and just pointed to the TV screen. I watched, and someone, probably my mom, told me that someone had flown two planes into the World Trade Center. By that time, they had both collapsed. It was unthinkable. Then she told me that another plane had flown into the Pentagon. Someone was not kidding around; they were trying to destroy America, and it was happening right now.

I had never thought or realized we were so vulnerable. And the thought of using planes as weapons...it was so insidious and horrible. Our own planes being used against us. And then came the numbers...50,000 people in both buildings, and they had both fallen to the ground...no one knew how many were in there initially or how many had gotten out.


It was just a sickening, nightmarish spiral down into areas that no one had ever considered or dreamt of. And the awful questions of what came next were unavoidable. Were there more planes up there poised to dive into our cities, our people? What other schemes were broiling even now...chemical weapons, anthrax in the subways, dirty bombs in suitcases?

People in my hometown starting trying to stock up on gas, predictably in a panic. Everyone at work was eerily silent and subdued, the normal petty in-fighting and squabbling kept to a minimum as everyone tried to internalize the enormity of the events unfolding. People who didn't know who the vice president was were now suddenly news junkies, monitoring progress of the rescuers and desperate for information on what exactly was happening and what we were going to do about it.

And in the midst of all the fear and shock, something rather heartening happened. People started being nice to each other. I noticed it first in the stores, where customers were actually looking each other in the eye and saying "hello" and smiling. It was comforting, as if we all suddenly realized that there were other people around us, breathing the same air, walking the same ground, dreaming the same dreams and dealing with the same problems. Finally we all seemed to remember that this is all our country, our planet, and that we have a common stake in things. One of the most ironic things about the attacks was that in seeking to destroy America, Bin Laden and his acolytes had actually succeeded in restoring a sense of community in America. In one of his propaganda rantings, he stated that now "America was full of fear, from its North to its South, from its East to its West"...but what he hadn't calculated, apparently, was that we were also filled with rage, resolve and a growing strength that came from the natural instinct to defend what is yours, and perhaps most importantly, a common foe.

I remember driving through a neighboring town days later, and encountering a group of young women standing outside the fire department, holding a sign that said "Honk if you love America"...I honked, of course. It made me feel good. I've never been one to wear my patriotism on my sleeve, but it was really a reflection of how I felt right then. I do love America, for all my criticism of it, for all its myriad imperfections. And the attacks weren't just aimed at America's people, they were aimed at the way we live our lives, at frightening us into cowering down and denying ourselves the freedoms that defined us and that we all enjoyed and took for granted.

Well, screw that, I thought. Honk, honk!!!

I only wish that sense of community, that reawakening of our common bonds, had remained. Within a few short months, everything was back to normal. Republicans and Democrats wrestling in the gutter over whose "fault" 9/11 was, conflict over the Afghanistan war, lawyers creeping all over the place trying to find someone to sue, sharp disagreement over how to handle homeland security. Conflict and debate is of course, part of the American way, and is in fact the method by which we express ourselves and ultimately get things done. But as usual, the tone and tenor of the arguments served to undermine the wonderful "oneness" which had united us shortly after the attacks. Something very precious we had only recently rediscovered was once again, lost.

Now we again face some major challenges as a nation. Besides the ongoing struggle in Iraq and the wider issue of terrorism throughout the world, we are confronting natural disasaters that have killed and injured many of our citizens. Our economy is going to be abversely affected by these events, too, with gas prices climbing, unemployment in the affected areas skyrocketing, and the national treasury burdened now with the necessary task of helping these areas recover. There is also the threat of disease and long term poverty and displacement.

In short, it's a mess.

Americans are once again responding to their fellow citizens need, bonded again by a common problem. We are a generous people, and tragedies such as this always bring out that quality.

But this time I hope the unity sticks. I hope we don't slip back into the morass of finger pointing and the "us vs. them" mentality that seems to define our national debate lately. We have work to do, real work to help real people, and we have no time for that kind of nonsense. After all the issues have been addressed, all the people housed and the babies fed and the sick tended to and the hungry fed, then we can go about the necessary task of finding out what worked and what didn't in regards to our emergency responses. But ONLY then. It's like the news crews who stand by with a camera while someone is being beaten or injured by a mob...it's fine to record the event for posterity, but right now how about putting the camera down and HELPING THE GUY! Where are our priorities? Why is it so tempting to jump in and assign blame while people are still suffering? It's an imperfect world and there are always going to be mistakes made, but let's not let our prejudices and personal emnity overshadow the immediate needs. If I am standing on a rooftop surrounded by water and haven't eaten for three days, you really aren't helping me by trying to get people fired or passing a resolution or setting up a review committee or going on national TV and badmouthing everyone in charge. What I really need is a way OUT of my current predicament, thanks.

What part of "united we stand, divided we fall" do we not yet understand?

How About This Weather?

I suppose by now it's a truism to try and state that the weather is changing.

For those who have been living in a cave for the last twenty years or so, it's getting hotter...and drier. I live the Midwest portion of the United States, and the change is very apparent here. When I was young (not THAT long ago) in the 70's and early 80's, there was generally a layer of snow on the ground for most of the period between November and April. There were regular stretches of below zero temps, particularly in January and February. The scrape of snow shovels on concrete was a regular sound, replaced later (largely) by the awful growling of snow blows. Kids were out of school on a regular basis, milling around the neighborhood having snowball fights, riding sleighs or saucers, building snowmen, or offering to plow out your driveway. Christmas was not brown or (shudder) green, but white.

Winter was..well..wintry.

Now we're lucky to have three good blasts of snowfall per winter. Businesses that sell winter clothing and equipment are going broke, and kids had better look elsewhere for that extra dollar they used to be able to make shoveling snow for old folks. It's warm, too...obviously I'm not a meterologist and I don't have a huge database of information at my disposal, but memory provides me with some basic overall impressions, and I'd say we have generally a couple weeks of hovering near zero temps per winter. Much of the winter is 30 degrees or above, and it's nothing anymore to see bare brown snowless ground in November, December and even January. I seriously wonder if there won't be a whole generation of kids coming into adolescence who will never really know what it is to go sleigh riding or build a snowman.

OK, OK, I can hear you saying..we get your point. So what?

Well..the "so what" is that it occurs to me that in light of this weather change, not just here in the Midwest but the whole world over, it might not be a bad idea to start believing in science again. We have heard for decades that things are changing, that the pollutants we pumped into the air for centuries were harmful to the ozone layer which protects us from the harmful ultraviolet rays of the sun. Gasoline exhaust, aerosol sprays, chemical waste from manufacturing plants, have all been introduced into the environment and it just stands to reason that after a time those infamous "greenhouse gases" are going to become trapped and cause major havoc in our atmosphere.

I don't see this as a political issue as much as a survival issue. This stuff is happening right here right now. I don't who you voted for or what your stand is on gun control or abortion or stem cell research or gay marriage. All of that stuff is important in its own way, but pale in comparison to the question of how we are going to face a changing environment that may very well cripple us economically and culturally.

It may in fact be too late to even have this debate anymore. The horses may already be out of the barn, and maybe the best we can do is lessen the damage and deal with its effect. It has taken decades, maybe centuries to alter the environment to its present state. It's unlikely that a few years of driving hybrid cars and using roll on deodorant will make much of a dent in that. But we have to start somewhere. We have to try.

It just seems to me that the argument about whether or not global warming is genuine ought to be over now. What more evidence do any of us need? We've got apocalyptic weather happening right now; now obviously it could get a lot worse, but let's not wait until it does. Let's at least acknowledge what has happened to our Earth and who is responsible and try to figure out what we can do about it.

Again, the argument goes beyond the immediate one. I just can't understand why so many well meaning intelligent people can't see the patterns that so many of us see. It's almost like they are afraid to admit that science exists, that our world is a natural one governed by natural laws that need to be acknowledged and respected. Are they afraid that a world governed by natural laws has no place for spirituality, for God? I don't see any conflict here at all. I believe in God, in a Supreme Being, but surely a God that created a universe would have it ruled by laws which could be understood and adapted to. The fact that you can't get on base by hitting a foul ball does not mean that Abner Doubleday did not exist, to use a crude metaphor.

I choose to believe in a God that wants us to figure some things out for ourselves. Isn't that what free will is all about? Otherwise we had better do away with penicillin and radiation and heart surgery and all the other wonderful things that science has brought us over the centuries. All of those discoveries came about because people believed in and respected natural law and worked within its boundaries to make life better for mankind. In much the same way, we can study and diagnose environmental problems and try to address them. This is no disrespect against God or spirituality. It's following the natural chain of inquiry in order to ensure that human life is sustained and protected throughout the ages.

Maybe it's not so much a threat against God that is suspected, but a fear of the immense amounts of money that would be required to really address these environmental concerns, money that many think should go elsewhere, like fighting poverty or terrorism or disease. I understand these concerns, but I would counter by saying that if you aren't alive, then you can't be poor or affected by terrorists or disease. You are just dead. And that's what might happen if things keep going the way they are going. Ask the people who were affected by last year's tsunami or those affected by Katrina.

It's not even a case anymore of waiting till the last minute or postponing action because the bad stuff hasn't happened yet. THIS is the last minute, and the bad stuff is happening right now.

I wonder if all the memories I have of seasons being defined by the weather that accompanied them will forever remain that; memories. It seems so unlikely that we will ever be able to return to those same types of patterns; maybe we aren't supposed to, who knows? But it does seem to me that there is, or was, a natural order to things and we have gone a long way from that order. Is it that important to drive gas guzzling cars and use aerosols? Is any of that worth the tremendous cost we now seem to be paying?

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas...just like the ones I used to know.

Bob Denver and the Arc of my Life

The death of Bob "Gilligan" Denver made me think about a lot of things

It made me think about a thousand after school days, propped in front of my folks' TV, just letting the 60's inanity, even then notably ridiculous, to wash over me. Most of my friends had seen all the episodes several times. We revelled in Ginger's sexuality, Mary Ann's innocence, the bumbling of Gilligan and the Skipper's blustering. We laughed at the Howell's greed and obliviousness, and admired (but never quite understood) the Professor's vast intellect.

It was a goofy show, but it was a goofy time too, so it fit.

Denver's death also made me think about the arc of my life, and how much things had changed since "Gilligan's Island" had first premiered. The show opened in the fall of 1964 just a few short months after I was born. Think, for a moment, of how different life was in 1964. There was no Internet, no VCRs, no DVDs, no digital cameras. Russia was still evil, not just broke and craven. No one had any idea where Afghanistan or Iraq were. Terrorism was not a word that anyone used with any regularity. Blacks were still locked in a struggle for civil rights and women's lib had not yet come into the national conscience. Ronald Reagan was still an actor, no one had ever really heard of the Bush family. The Beatles were exploding onto the American scene, and Babe Ruth's record was still very much intact.

Things were very different.

Before you start cringing, this is not going to be one of those "everything old was better" essays. Some things were undoubtedly better, some unquestionably worse. My purpose in writing this is not to judge events and situations qualitatively, but merely to point out the speed with which they changed. Forty one years, the arc of my life, is not really that long a time. And yet, look at the massive changes that have occurred socially, politically, physically, and perhaps most importantly, technologically. We have had to adjust to unprecedented changes in a remarkably short amount of time. Our lives have been altered at lightning speed for decades now, and things don't show any sign of slowing down in the near future.

Again, some things MUST change. This is not an argument for stagnation. That is a sure path to extinction. But in adjusting to these rapid fire changes, we as a society have moved so far so fast it's often easy to forget where we started, where we came from. We're burning the bridges that we've crossed, and I'm pretty sure that's not a good thing. It is understandable, certainly. It's hard to look back and revere the past while you need to continually fine tune your life to accomodate cultural alterations. Gotta keep up with the Jones', after all. And the Mings, and the Rodriquez' and the Al Azari's. It's a global community now, and we're all in it together, for better or for worse.

But we need to look over our shoulder once in a while. The path you've taken can inform you about the path you are on. It's so chic to laugh at old hairstyles, old technology and conventional wisdom. But at the time, those were the best we could do, and they got us through. Twenty years (or more likely, five years) from now, all the cultural hipness we cling to now will seem just as outdated and hilarious; so in the final analysis, what good is it? Better to glean what is truly important and useful from each age than to denigrate the things that are unimportant to begin with.

So laugh at "Gilligan's Island". But laugh for the right reasons. Don't scoff at it as an example of a less mature, sheltered culture. Revel in it for the great childhood memories it releases and recognize that in its time it was exactly what it was supposed to be, and in complete lockstep wit the culture. Life does change, and it often changes so quickly we have burnt about half of it out before we realize we've been moving at all.

Try to think about that, and recognize the ultimate sadness of it. Life is oh so short,and the pace it sets will rip you to pieces if you don't learn how to moderate it. Relax with your memories, and treasure their power. They are all that protects you from being just a reed in the cultural wind.

And Mr. Denver, wherever you are right now, thanks for leaving a strong imprint on my childhood mind. No matter how much the world or I change, thanks to reruns you will remain a timeless gem we can return to and refer to, and a wonderful buffer against the frightening maw of the future.

Good night, "little buddy."

Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout?

Is it just me or are people really talking about a lot of boring things these days?

I don't profess to be a model conversationalist; I have done my share of petty conversations, i.e. talking about other people, repeating myself at times, talking for the sake of validation. But I really try NOT to do these things, because I find them so repugnant in other people. I try to talk about things that are important, interesting and relevant. And above all, I try (though obviously don't always succeed) to talk about things of general interest to the person or people I am talking to.

I don't know how many conversations I have heard lately that revolve chiefly around money. Now I guess this is just a personal preference, but the minute I hear the conversation turn to financial matters, I begin to feel myself drifting off into a nice peaceful slumber. Certainly money and finance is an important part of life, but if I really want to talk about it I will talk to a financial advisor, a broker, an agent, etc. This is not the type of stuff I want to settle back with after a long hard day. Folks, it's BORING! I don't care about your Roth IRA, I don't care about your COLAS or your 401Ks. You should of course, but it's such a shallow topic for discussion. Now if I ASK you about this stuff, OK. But otherwise, leave the cash in your wallet and let's concentrate on more interesting stuff. To be honest, you probably don't know what the hell you're talking about anyway. I know I sure don't.

I realize all of this stuff falls under the umbrella of "reality" but it's all "reality as it is" not how it could be, and that's the kind of thing I find interesting to talk about. Tell me how the world SHOULD be, not how it is. I know how it is; let's talk about how we can make it better or at the very least, different. Let's talk about how to get the money out of politics, how to make families closer, how to reform our education system. Let's talk about what "American values" really are and what they should be. Let's talk about a great book you read or a great movie you saw or a great song you heard, and tell me why you loved it or them.

I know all of this pales in comparison to endless droning about minivans or your new deck or what cute non-essential functions your new cell phone has, but humor me just a little, OK? None of this was the stuff any of you stayed up all night in college talking about, was it? So why do you think it's necessary to talk about it now?

The dirty little secret is that no one really cares about any of this, it's just that we all think it's what we have to think about now that we're "grown up". We don't have the time or energy to dream anymore, to use our imagination and spark each other's creativity, so we fall back into the path of least conversational resistance, and that is to concentrate on shallow, material subjects.

But why do we associate maturity with materialism? Is it the same reason we associate success with wealth? Is that why Christmas has become little more than a spending orgy, and all the other major holidays just thinly veiled excuses to get wasted?

Is it just that we're all too lazy and busy with maintaining all of these things we really don't need to let our minds open up and remember a time when we dared to dream? Have we got stuck in such a rut that we've decided this is the best we can do and we might as well come to terms with it, sink into the physical world and regale each other with tales of "how to be more comfortable" or "how to make the most money by doing the least amount of work"?

When you are a child, you constantly ask "why?" Why do people have to die? Why does God allow bad things to happen? Why is there war? Why are there poor people? These are not foolish questions. Quite the contrary, they are insightful ones, ones we should ask each other for our entire lives. Growing up does not mean giving up, nor does it mean embracing the practical and discarding the romantic. Growing up means doing what you have to do to survive, but also keeping the flame of hope alive that things can get better and striving to make them so. It seems like far too many people these days have decided to abandon those thoughts, and so they litter the air with distracting, meaningless noise that does nothing but preserve the drearily mundane and injust status quo.

There is another reason why these dull topics are so popular; they are safe. They don't demand anything of the people talking in terms of personal commitment or courage or candor. They are just easy, ready made subjects that require only minimal attention and often, intelligence. This type of conversation is the communicative equivalent of microwave popcorn. Five minutes after you've consumed it, you are hungry again and can barely remember what it tasted like.

I understand that all conversation can't be deep and meaningful. No one really wants to wax philsophical all the time, and there are occasions when it simply isn't possible. But honestly, don't you often yearn for talk that engages you, fires you up, angers you or inspires you? And I don't mean the type of mean spirited baiting that goes on on talk radio. I'm talking about good old fashioned fair and honest debate; an exchange of ideas about life between people who respect each other and treat each other accordingly. This is an endangered species in modern culture and it's passing is just another sign of the triumph of crudity and banality over nuance and imagination.

So the next time someone starts chattering on about his Humvee or his new deck, ask him if he has read any good books lately, or what he thinks about the latest Supreme Court nominee. If he has no answer, move on to someone else. You owe yourself some food for the brain, and way too many people these days are subsisting entirely on Big Macs and large Cokes.

Fortress of Solitude

I am going to return to a fairly familiar theme with this post. The theme is "solitude".

Since my mom has died, about five and a half months ago, I have been alone in a way that is almost staggering. I have people around me at work, and I am certainly not geographically isolated. But in terms of family, of people who know me well and are close to me in an emotional way, I am alone.

It's hard at age 41 (gasp) to start anew, people wise. Some of it is just plain bashfulness I guess, but some of it is logisitcs. Most people your age are married, with kids, sometimes even grandkids. Their lives are pretty well established, with jobs, errands, patterns, and commitments. It's not that people don't like you or wish the best for you; it's just that you sort of...don't fit...anymore. The life that you knew and the life that you had is changed and gone forever, and to retool you really have to start from the ground up, and that's daunting. You are used to your own schedule, your own conceits and prejudices, your own strengths and weaknesses. Again, it's not that these qualities are necessarily repugnant to others, but they are different and like you, most people do not have the time or energy to adapt to you. They are doing all the adapting they can handle on a daily basis, more than likely. They may want the best for you and feel for your situation, but in the end, you are not going to be able to count on them for anything more than a good word now and again and perhaps a good wish or prayer.

Those are all fine and good, but they are cold comfort in a world of holidays, and long weekends, and laughter and companionship. All the good wishes in the world do not produce a warm, living human being beside you that will help you trudge through the daily grind that is life.

You can join groups, I suppose, though there aren't that many social groups in my area. But these are to be approached with caution, too. Lots of people are so needy for companionship that they let their radar down and become too trusting. Or they try to move too far too fast and end up spoiling what might have otherwise been a nice relationship. They smother you. Or they become offended that you don't shower them with the same amount of attention that they do you, and feelings get hurt. Some may even prey upon your vulnerable position and leave you feeling used and cynical. These are all very easy traps to fall into, and you have to guard against them. But you also have to guard against too much caution, or you'll just stay in your room for the rest of your life, and that's no real option either.

So what the hell do you do? I guess you can take things "one day at a time" but sometimes it isn't long before those "one days" turn into weeks and months and pretty soon, years. Time flies, whether you are having fun or not.

Sometimes, it's nice to be alone, too. But it becomes a problem when you don't have any choice in the matter, when you are always at the mercy of other people's plans and priorities. Then you begin to realize how powerless you are, and how utterly changed your life has become. You want to be able to have someone you can turn to at a moment's notice, someone who will make your problem his/her total focus right then. And when you realize you don't have that someone, it's a very sobering experience.

Another trap you can fall into is trying too hard to gain companionship, saying and/or doing all the things you think the other person "wants" you to say or think or do. In the process of doing this, it's easy to lose yourself and the other person ends up liking someone who isn't even the real you. I see this type of thing every day and it depresses me. It seems like a lot of people would rather be with someone, anyone, for any reason than be alone and be true to themselves. It's everyone's individual choice of course, but I really think that doing that end up cheating not only yourself but the other person. Eventually, the real you is going to either come out and sour the deal, or it will be repressed and cause resentment and passive aggressive behavior. Either way, it's not a healthy way to run a relationship.

What am I left with for options? Well, being the "noble" guy who sticks to his personal guns and stays alone isn't too appealing, I must say. Neither is morphing myself into someone that isn't me for the sake of companionship. There must be a way to be liked (and befriended) just for being yourself. But again, age and environment play a strong role.

I plan on hanging in there. One never knows what tomorrow will bring, for good or for ill. In the mean time, things are hard. I hate these long lonely weekends with a passion, though I obviously don't miss work at all.

Spinning my mental wheels again...not a very cohesive or well thought out post, but it'll do for today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

New Orleans

As I have sat and watched the coverage this past week of the awful events in New Orleans, I have tried to think of what to make of all of it, what I can really glean from the experience. Though everyone inevitably tries to cast a villain in the piece, to me it's mostly nature's "fault" and there isn't too much we can do about that. Response was apparently slow and lacking, planning perhaps the same. But in any case I doubt the mistakes that were made were made from malice or indifference, but more likely from pure human miscalculation and error.

On a more emotional note, what we are seeing each day is just so terribly sad. Like 9/11, it's another one of these events that we all though "couldn't happen here" but did. I am not sure why we Americans (myself included) always seem to feel like we are somehow insulated from these dire tragedies that affect thousands; perhaps it's because we just haven't experienced them, or because we always have the presumption that our money and resources can deal with and mute all the disasters that can cripple most nations. But in the face of nature, all of our power is really quite small.

I guess that's what I ultimately come away with from all of this. We all go about our daily lives, insulated by our gadgets, our cash, our suits and our jobs, as if the forces that affect everyone and everything else on the planet can't or won't touch us. Something like Hurricane Katrina forces us, if only momentarily, confront the reality of our own vulnerability. In such a short amount of time, all the trappings of civilization are quickly stripped away and we are left with just our own will to survive. In such an environment, we see the whole gamut of human morality...selflessness and depravity. Things like Katrina really strip us down to the essence of what we are; both good and evil. It just indicates to me how timeless the human condition is, that it never really changes essentially. Buidings, cell phones, internet, ATMs, automobiles, air conditioners, all gone before nature's wrath in the blink of an eye, and all that is left is people trying to survive. It makes you realize that in a larger sense, that is really all we ever have; other people. All the fleeting joy and comfort that technology and "civilization" bring can never truly be counted on. They are just men's constructs, not men.

I truly hope that the people who were affected by Katrina, the tens of thousands of them, can somehow patch their lives back together and retain their dignity in doing so. I hope that as we all move through this process of shock and grieving and trying to rebuild, we remember the things in our lives that are lasting and meaningful and those that are temporary. I hope that it makes us think about what we could leave behind in a disaster and what we couldn't.

Peace to all