Fortress of Solitude

I am going to return to a fairly familiar theme with this post. The theme is "solitude".

Since my mom has died, about five and a half months ago, I have been alone in a way that is almost staggering. I have people around me at work, and I am certainly not geographically isolated. But in terms of family, of people who know me well and are close to me in an emotional way, I am alone.

It's hard at age 41 (gasp) to start anew, people wise. Some of it is just plain bashfulness I guess, but some of it is logisitcs. Most people your age are married, with kids, sometimes even grandkids. Their lives are pretty well established, with jobs, errands, patterns, and commitments. It's not that people don't like you or wish the best for you; it's just that you sort of...don't fit...anymore. The life that you knew and the life that you had is changed and gone forever, and to retool you really have to start from the ground up, and that's daunting. You are used to your own schedule, your own conceits and prejudices, your own strengths and weaknesses. Again, it's not that these qualities are necessarily repugnant to others, but they are different and like you, most people do not have the time or energy to adapt to you. They are doing all the adapting they can handle on a daily basis, more than likely. They may want the best for you and feel for your situation, but in the end, you are not going to be able to count on them for anything more than a good word now and again and perhaps a good wish or prayer.

Those are all fine and good, but they are cold comfort in a world of holidays, and long weekends, and laughter and companionship. All the good wishes in the world do not produce a warm, living human being beside you that will help you trudge through the daily grind that is life.

You can join groups, I suppose, though there aren't that many social groups in my area. But these are to be approached with caution, too. Lots of people are so needy for companionship that they let their radar down and become too trusting. Or they try to move too far too fast and end up spoiling what might have otherwise been a nice relationship. They smother you. Or they become offended that you don't shower them with the same amount of attention that they do you, and feelings get hurt. Some may even prey upon your vulnerable position and leave you feeling used and cynical. These are all very easy traps to fall into, and you have to guard against them. But you also have to guard against too much caution, or you'll just stay in your room for the rest of your life, and that's no real option either.

So what the hell do you do? I guess you can take things "one day at a time" but sometimes it isn't long before those "one days" turn into weeks and months and pretty soon, years. Time flies, whether you are having fun or not.

Sometimes, it's nice to be alone, too. But it becomes a problem when you don't have any choice in the matter, when you are always at the mercy of other people's plans and priorities. Then you begin to realize how powerless you are, and how utterly changed your life has become. You want to be able to have someone you can turn to at a moment's notice, someone who will make your problem his/her total focus right then. And when you realize you don't have that someone, it's a very sobering experience.

Another trap you can fall into is trying too hard to gain companionship, saying and/or doing all the things you think the other person "wants" you to say or think or do. In the process of doing this, it's easy to lose yourself and the other person ends up liking someone who isn't even the real you. I see this type of thing every day and it depresses me. It seems like a lot of people would rather be with someone, anyone, for any reason than be alone and be true to themselves. It's everyone's individual choice of course, but I really think that doing that end up cheating not only yourself but the other person. Eventually, the real you is going to either come out and sour the deal, or it will be repressed and cause resentment and passive aggressive behavior. Either way, it's not a healthy way to run a relationship.

What am I left with for options? Well, being the "noble" guy who sticks to his personal guns and stays alone isn't too appealing, I must say. Neither is morphing myself into someone that isn't me for the sake of companionship. There must be a way to be liked (and befriended) just for being yourself. But again, age and environment play a strong role.

I plan on hanging in there. One never knows what tomorrow will bring, for good or for ill. In the mean time, things are hard. I hate these long lonely weekends with a passion, though I obviously don't miss work at all.

Spinning my mental wheels again...not a very cohesive or well thought out post, but it'll do for today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.