It's hard to know where to begin. I am in the midst of moving out of the house I have lived in my whole life, and I am scared. I am scared that I won't get the better job I need, I am scared that I am letting down my folks by letting my brother stay here when I have every reason to believe he won't be able to handle it, I am scared that I will be so achingly lonely in the new place that I will just want to run home again and call the whole thing off.

Perhaps I am really just scared of blowing the one chance I have given myself to really do something on my own and pursue whatever it was I was supposed to pursue. There is only so much of me and there is so damned much to do. I need a better job, I want to go to school again (though I can never figure out for what exactly), I need to form a stronger circle of friends and support system. I can never quite fine tune the amount of help I should ask for and the amount of responsibility I should just deal with alone. It's a precarious balance. I guess the only thing I can say for sure about all of this is that sink or swim, this really is the way it has to be. I could have stayed here and eventually ended up an old man with an even older brother relying on him. This town, my current one, is so small and bereft of opportunity that it really would be soul suicide to stay here forever. Sometimes standing still is no protection against change as the change happens whether you choose to react to it or not. In that sense, you are moving by default.

A prison is moving into my area. I would like to apply for an office job, but first you need to complete a testing process which is a two hour drive away. Before that I have to determine which job titles will be open at this facility and then try to schedule the testing according to which days are available for vacation at work. Plus I hate driving in that particular city, as I am not familiar with it an it's such a long way.