Legacies

I've been thinking about "Ooh La La", the song by the Faces that enjoyed (?) a revival because of its use in a car commercial about four years ago. There's a chorus that goes "I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger...". I even referenced it in my blog entry yesterday.

It's a truism that most people of a certain age instantly understand. If only we had the wisdom of the aged when we were younger we might well have made better decisions about our lives. Of course the past always looks better in retrospect and it's hard to gain wisdom when you have little or no experience.

Still, we yearn for a second chance and we nurse regret in the dark, cold hours of the night when we are alone with our thoughts. The inertia of our lives makes it so very hard to change; it's so much easier to do so when you are young, or optimally, make decisions that won't necessitate change later on.

I wonder what on earth my personal legacy will be. In 50 years it's likely that very few people on this planet will even remember that I was alive. In 80 years it's a foregone conclusion that I'll be forgotten with the wind. I don't care about having some long legacy; very few are fortunate enough to achieve that kind of resonance. I guess it'd be nice to think that whatever footprint I leave here would be a positive one, that I could "pay forward" whatever I've learned and put back some of the gifts I've been given in this life.

I think of all the things I loved about my family; my mother's bright positivity and endless compassion, my father's loyalty and leadership qualities, my brother's wit. They seem hopeless lost to me now but I know instinctively that the trick is to transform those beloved qualities from memory into action, to find them within myself (and most of them are there) and use them to make the world around me a better place.

I find myself thinking that in many ways, I AM my parents now. Their DNA flows through me and our shared time together ensures that I'll live my life much as they did and react to things as they did, as well. I forget things like my Mom did, worry about loved ones, enjoy long conversations with loved ones, become fascinated with cultural news and stories, long for days past, enjoy playing games and TV and just relaxing with friends as she did. I'm a sucker for a sad story, I get angry when people "put on airs" or act as if they are better than I am, I hate injustice and cruelty, like to eat out, and love animals. All of that was my Mom. Part of her lives on in me. I don't presume to ever equal her kindness of character or ability to sacrifice her own needs for the needs of others, but I really do try to emulate her and often find that I'm doing so without even trying.

My dad's indignity at malfeasance or misuse of power, his ability to 'step up' in a crisis and do what he had to do to make sure everyone was OK, his work ethic and his stubborn refusal to 'follow the herd' and his sharp tongue all swim freely within me as well. I wish he would have lived long enough to see some of similarities I now see; I think it might have surprised him. I hope it would have pleased him as well.

As distant as my brother and I were, I find myself also noticing how similar we are in some ways. He didn't care for travel, enjoyed familiar people and settings and situations. He loved old television shows and good rock and roll. He was, like my parents and I, a small town boy who would have been totally content with staying in his hometown his whole life and being around people who knew his name. He nursed his wounds privately and not very healthily; in this I hope I can learn from his mistakes. But I do see the hurt and frightened and smart young boy in him also alive in me.

I hope I am able to not just hoard these qualities I share with my family, but to share them with the world in a way that makes me feel productive and fulfilled and that benefits those around me. These are traits I admire and cherish because they are like old photographs; tethers that keep my family always close at hand, and more simply because they are touchstones to my youth that made me feel safe, secure, loved and part of something larger than myself.

I won't be able to apply these traits to the world in the same ways my family did. I have no children to share them with, and living on my own makes my life automatically different than that of my family, who always had someone around to help define them. But I'm still here, and while I am there are always opportunities to put my best face forward.

Ultimately, maybe this is the only legacy any of us should aspire to; applying the lessons of our personal history and acting as a living conduit for those that came before us to bring to others the same joy that was brought to us.

Mom, Dad, and Dick...I'm trying. And thanks for giving me something to pass along.